Welcome Rest!

Seeing these words today brought new thoughts to me as a way to share more about my experience of teaching myself to follow my InnerWholeness to UNDO my past ideas of  self imprisonment.   

Teaching myself that form doesn't matter ~ it doesn't matter what the form is ~ just looking through every outer appearance is part of my continued UNDOING. To no longer rely on former outer evaluations of what I am seeing. This includes looking at myself and recalling past judgements and criticism.  Nothing I see means anything.   The past is over.  Not knowing much at all, but trusting in a practice of "doing" the lessons new ideas will come to me to add to my InnerSelf reinforcements to let go and forgive and keep teaching myself.  I continue to say to myself routinely and solemnly  that I want my forgiveness to be complete for myself and for my brother, even though I have no idea what that "means."  This seems like breath work too. Prayer  has also changed for me as I gave forgiveness to symbols and ideas that seemed unnecessary to me any longer.

My wanting to feel comfortable in my own skin was how I started dancing around.  I had adopted so many insecurities from childhood trauma which only followed me into adulthood.  So I began exploring to open up to know more about my innerself,  at some point also started noticing dancing around was a way to relieve my frustration in teaching myself to forgive and let go and heal. I was in a consistent pattern of meditating but I didn't do much for excercise.  So playing old high school songs with some hype to them helped me release too.  I didn't particularly like the words but I learned not to engage with them either.   It was like it took my mind away from any other concern or need to judge outside sounds and appearances again, to teach myself, I am only seeing the past and it is over, was my idea.  Also teaching myself that there is never any cause for alarm so teaching myself to disregard my familiar alarming tones too.

It was like creative passion gradually became part of  my breath work.  Before ACIM I was active in participating in healing sessions with an idea of creative passion. So I found I loved hearing about different ways of Self Expression.    Dancing, painting, writing, singing, video art, decorating.  Just being open to learn to create in what ever I was inspired to do with the inspiration I felt coming to me.  I didn't feel articulate in anything specific but I liked to play in all of it.   I loved the new dsicoveries but was also feeling lost too.  I didn't know much about healing or awakening then.  Eventually I came into an idea to learn to BE YOURSELF and to become responsible for my thinking and this engaged me and led me into A Course In Miracles.   

Love is our connection no matter where we are but I was really mixed up about love as I entered into A Course in Miracles.   All  my life I was in the idea I didn't trust men, but through ACIM I learned I didn't trust myself either.  So now, not really being able to pinpoint any certian tragedy or blame on any part of the illusion, because in teaching myself  I had to learn to accept illusion as being meaningless.  And I want to fogive myself and my brother in my solemn desire to be in alignment with Our Source.     There is no difficulty in the order of Miracles.  So love and intimacy in chaos confusion competition and comparison are naturally going to be included in misperception and the twistedness of illusion.  And now I can no longer say that even Childhood Sexual Trauma intensified anything in my experience of illusion, not even being sexually violated in a trusted relationship shortly before dedicating myself to ACIM.   However, I do recognize I have had healing in teaching myself to love myself as God created me and to forgive the past.   I place the future in the hands of God.  I feel I love myself and my brother as myself.  Also stating that I have not been in a marital or a physically companioned  relationship since beginning with A Course in Miracles.  Not really being daily physically companioned for many years. 

This is an indivdual undoing to come into Self recognition and acceptance in the experience of what forgiveness shifts. Yes! This is a Miracle. I am so grateful to feel it.   I don't feel I can define how it happens or what love is now either but I know God has always provided  the feelings of love and intimacy that I experience.   God is providing the sense of love that I need in my experience today.  Accepting that I am one with all of creation, Love is always surrounding us, because God established it!   My former misperception is what was causing the confusion and fearfulness and I recognize how new and free love feels moving in Spirit, accepting my InnerSelf as Whole as God created.  My entire life experience is reliant on God or I wouldn't know what to do say or think or share at all.  Giving is Breath Work!

Creating a folder and inviting another to have open access to whatever I shared was another idea as like an example of Breath Work for me.  I was following my Innerness in feelings of love.    But also not wanting any response to the invitation.  The access was simply given. Then creative things were placed in the folder from my daily inspiration and practice. There was never any verbal communication or judgements between us about what was in the folder.  I just added and deleted to keep space in the folder.   It was like this helped me not be concerned what another might think about me as I let go of fears and insecurities and discovered new things about myself. Teaching myself this undoing was not to, say, define myself in any new way either, but to remember myself as God created me.  In an idea of asking to know Wholeness which I felt could only be in Self Loving Ways. 

However in the beginning  I was very awkward.  I felt so many struggles and inhibitions and criticisms about myself.  I was deep in thoughts of being unloved and used and abused in my past.   I had a hard time expressing myself verbally lacking self confidence but also  from shutting myself off early on in my awakening with nothing available to guide me.  I didn't trust many.  So communication for me became more difficult being secluded and I recognized this early on in engaging with the mind training.  I felt it was a huge barrier for me a few years ago.  Now I see that in reality you can only excommunicate yourself.  Everything was just twisted in my misperception.

I had much concern things I created and shared  might not be “right” or they might be “too much” or "stupid" and many other self-critical thoughts about this or that.  Telling myself, I was free in whatever I was inspired to do or create and share it.  This was my folder not my friends folder.  I was learning to be free.   It was like a teeter totter ride for quite some time. Reminding myself repeatedly that the viewing of any of it was like a nullability to teach myself to let go.  Feeling that I also wanted to share and also communicate but this was a way for me to give and not recieve judgement.    There was no reason to limit myself, there was no reason for sharing other than following my innerness.    Today,  I feel like I have experienced much healing and recognition of Inner Wholeness in doing this.  I feel my communication has greatly improved and now see Marshmallow Mirth as an open space to share, to offer support for awakening companions and simply remain open to invite and welcome communication in the idea we are never strangers.   

So I will conclude this as like another exercise as part of my Breath Work in forgiveness,  for expansion which has come along in working with ACIM and being active in my daily pracitce.  And now, just expecting God to show me the more that is necessary for me only to be truly helpful. 

Thank you for your love and support!  I am deeply grateful for my companions, for my family, for my neighbors and community.  God bless us each and every one.  Love, Jeannine